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Sometimes It Is Lupus: Health Blogging Month Day 17: Giving up

    Let It Be.

    What’s something that bothers you or weighs on you? Let it go. Talk out the letting go process and how you’re going to be better to yourself for it.

    I’ve already had to let
    go of so much.

    My sense that my value
    came from the work I do. (Now, the work I do is such a minor part of
    a life that is mostly focused on caring for myself.)

    My sense that to be a
    good mother I have to do everything my kids need. (I’ve had to learn
    that the best thing I can do is teach them how to be independent of
    me as much as possible – and some of those lessons have been hard
    for all of us.)

    My sense that what I
    earn financially is a reflection of the value of what I do. (I’ve had
    to learn to live on less, and it will soon be dramatically less
    again. I’m learning a standard of living isn’t about what you have,
    it’s what you do with the life you have.)

    What do I have left to
    give up?

    My sense of
    independence. I still want to be able to do everything for myself. I
    am still embarrassed, even though I’m grateful, when others do things
    for me that I believe I ought to be able to do for myself. I still
    have a driving need to see that I have done something worthwhile. (My
    doctor put it this way: “You’re personality’s coming through,
    you’re trying to achieve things again. You’ve got to suppress that.”)
    I do need to let go of that. I need to accept that what will be will
    be. If God chooses to use what I can do for something worthwhile,
    that is great. If all I do today is sleep and take my pills, that is
    just as good. That’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’m working on it.
    When (if) I finally achieve it, I will be more free to enjoy those
    things I can achieve – because they’re something extra or special,
    not just what I expect of myself. And I won’t be so embarrassed when
    I can’t do things myself.

    This post was written as part of NHBPM – 30 health posts in 30 days: